Success, Parts One and Two

Success Part 1

It always amazes me to see just how many people are happy to take your money to make you successful.

During my years in Nashville, I saw countless songwriters throwing money at shady promoters and self described music industry insiders promising to get your songs to professional representatives. I never met anyone that sold a song that way. Many successful writers knew someone personally in the business. Sometimes the writers had an arsenal of good commercial songs and came to Nashville with enough money to survive without a day job, and buy the attention of actual music industry executives. They made their connections before even moving to Nashville.

I’m lousy at making solid plans. My plans for Nashville changed drastically just on my drive there, but that’s another story.

In Nashville, I once met a guy from Houston, who was fully financed by family friends that won the Texas lottery. He had athletic good looks, money, and had written at least one really great song hook (that I’m surprised we haven’t all heard yet) but got caught up in the Nashville party scene mixed with self promotion. When I met him, he was working off debts on a horse ranch and going through a severe, cold turkey, drug rehabilitation. He blew all of his gifted lottery money on cocaine and partying after only two years. His family gave up on him and he had destroyed all his music industry connections. There was a long line of people that took advantage of him and it left him completely broken. I’ve never seen someone fall so hard from so high up.

I suppose I was lucky to have so little. It kept me from blowing it all on drugs. I chose to waste my money on food and shelter instead… like a loser.

I have to admit, I also capitalized on the constant flow of aspiring songwriters a teeny bit. I built part of my recording studio with money I made from other writers. Sometimes I would even go out to a writers round at a venue and recruit business. A few times the clients were Music City tourists that just wanted to record a song in an actual Nashville recording studio. (It only qualified as a real studio because I installed a cool looking slanted window and built an isolated sound booth). I never promised any promotion. I just provided a demo recording on a CD at an affordable price and had fun. That type of business recruiting makes me feel predatorial and sleazy, but that’s why I’m also lousy at marketing and sales. I obviously don’t have the stomach for it. Mostly, the studio was built with the help of friends who agreed to help me with getting equipment for recording their demos. I then kept the studio going primarily by recording local rappers. I somehow became a premier east side, mix-tape studio. My given rap name was Thug Nasty and I learned about blunts and proper use of the N word.

The years I ran the recording studio, I had a stream of promoters and representatives trying to get me to recruit seemingly desperate songwriters. Sometimes they offered me a one time commission but usually nothing at all. Not one of those businesses were truthful about their accomplishments. They all claimed to have success stories of people no one has ever heard of, or some grandchild of an old fart country singer with a random hit song as part of their sales pitch. I was amazed at how much business there was that seemed to be the bottom feeders of the music industry.

I once had a songwriting session with a guy that worked for a major record company. He even showed me around the building on Music Row one Sunday afternoon, including the writers rooms where staff writers actually wrote multiple hit songs. It was an amazing experience and I’m grateful I got to see it. Not many people do. We got together at a friend’s house later and started writing the next “Redneck Anthem” as he put it, but after about forty-five minutes, I became frustrated with the cold and insincere process and abruptly walked away, almost like a real jerk. Also, I was writing all the melody while they were just trying to come up with string of catchy phrases. Oddly, some songwriters do exactly that and occasionally they write a hit song. I later learned that he was actually a part time janitor at the record company building. I would have thought that was even more cool than being a staff writer, if only he didn’t discreetly lie about it.

One rule I still follow is “Never pay to play”. In all of my experience through the years, that still hasn’t changed, even though it’s often tempting when something amazing or exclusive is offered, but it’s always too good to be true.

With the release of my third album, I am now bombarded with ads for promotion on Facebook and email. I see some friends using these marketing techniques and I really hope they know what to expect. I also hope it really works for them. It takes an incredible amount of effort and time.

I’m doing some of the same techniques as the marketers, usually by sheer coincidence or intuition. I have difficulty dedicating a lot of time for self promotion, so I’ve given myself reasonable deadlines and realistic goals. I plan on doing things before I die of old age.

There is a huge demand for independent music marketing on the internet. It’s actually mostly about gathering data to sell ads, not music. So you’re really in marketing, instead of music. Did you want to be in marketing? Too bad, you’re in marketing now. Surprisingly, the pitches are pretty straight-forward and honest about that if you’re really listening, but they can still be pretty tricky.

Creating music is actually getting more affordable as the processes get more streamlined and competitive. It’s also becoming less meaningful as it gets more and more saturated. I’m contributing as well, I’m sure.

The independent music industry is turned upside down right now and I assume that the real players are way ahead of the trends and protecting themselves. Nashville executives have always been in control of their industry, for the better or the worse. It’s all subjective, and as long as they can say what’s good music, they’re going to be just fine.

Success Part 2

With the internet, the average person can now produce music and make it available for the whole world to hear. We can go out and play live shows and peddle our CD’s and t-shirts for a few bucks. We can even possibly make a living doing it-if it’s set up right and highly maintained. (It’s important to note that professional music producers, talented writers, and craft musicians are still in another league. All musicians should aspire to be in that elite league, or at least know the difference.)

Making it big is still as elusive as it ever was. Getting a hit song on the radio or movie soundtrack is still amazingly difficult. Everybody wants a cut, everybody wants a piece of the action, and nobody wants to invest in the highly unlikely chance of your success. It’s worse odds than winning the lottery and being struck by lightning on the same day, but we do it anyway. We tell ourselves that someone has to win the lottery, and the chances are greater the more we play, and we try and put ourselves in the path of opportunity. I am there with exactly that.

The hope of making money doing something so creatively satisfying is mind boggling. It’s an addiction and it’s a foolish pursuit, but it is also a legitimate business. Computers, software suppliers, bars, restaurants, instruments, electronics, CD manufacturers, online distributors, ads and more ads. It’s a big, big business for so many, and sometimes lightning really does strike for an artist.

It’s also hard to accept that you should just go get an unsatisfying job for sixty-five years when you are capable of creating music. 

An extraordinary soul stuck in a conventional life. (I heard that on the radio). It makes you wonder why you even exist at all? It’s even harder when you have to accept you’ve struggled to dedicate your entire life to music and realize that you’re barely closer than you were thirty years ago. You didn’t plan for surviving with nothing, and it seems too late to start building anything. It makes you wonder, again, why you even exist at all?

That’s why some people believe it’s absolutely foolish to chase such dreams to begin with. I get that now, because I’m older, worn down, cynical, and poor.

There’s also a heavy guilt side effect in investing in my music endeavor because I should probably be putting money into my home and family instead of throwing it away on guitar strings and making CD’s. When I get a few extra bucks, it usually goes into a music fund and I try to spend it before something new breaks around the house. (I’m ignoring the old hole in the back porch.) I even keep my self embezzled allowance a secret from people that wouldn’t approve. I’m probably way too old to be doing that, but I’m also too old to have to be explaining myself.

I’ve tried many careers and made many mistakes. One mistake was not going in deeper. Fully immersed and sacrificing everything. Homeless, starving, alone, and maybe ending up dead. I sometimes listened to people who didn’t get it. I was convinced that I always had to pay the rent and have a steady job. That kept me from discovering and learning everything I really needed to know about music or entertainment. I was so focused, for years, on trying to earn a living instead of figuring out a way to develop my very real passion, I actually wound up failing at both.

I’m aware that it sounds like I’m blaming others because I am. I’ve got plenty of things to blame on myself, but it isn’t like everything can be my fault all the time, right? Right?

When I was seventeen, I wanted to go to L.A. to try to get into the movie business. I didn’t go because something told me I would die without support. The truth is, I was already dead, or at least my future was. There was nothing for me where I was. In hindsight, I had no real prospects either way so I should have just gone to Hollywood. Part of me thinks that is my biggest regret. Another part knows I probably wouldn’t be here now to complain about it, so I try not to give it too much thought.

So years later, I’m still struggling to make music. It’s still just as useless and futile as it ever was, but it’s the air that I breathe. I have no desire to quit creating music and still no desire to work at a meaningless job for lousy pay. At least no more than I have to. I still gotta provide and survive.

At this point, I’m sort of just running out the clock. I have to make my failures my accomplishments, my poverty my contentment, and my lack of desire for competitive wealth my social protest.

Making music is powerful. Sharing music is nice too if everyone at least pretends to like it. Making money from making music would be life altering. The amount of work that’s put into making music is mostly kept a secret because it’s ridiculous. And don’t even ask how much money we put into it.

I was thinking about how much I can charge for a CD. If I sell one for ten dollars, that’s about thirty minutes of work for an average person. It would be kind of like giving someone my CD for taking out my kitchen trash or folding a load of laundry. My cost with shipping is about seven bucks so I make three dollars for a CD that I’ve invested thousands of dollars and a lot of years to create. I’m starting to think it’s a bad business model. Unless I can guilt millions and millions of people into buying them.

It’s strange to think that music is for sale at all. Music is the way humans breathe through their souls. It’s just too bad we can’t eat pentatonic scales.

The Cockroach that Ate the Seventh Grade

It was the seventh grade. The world was absolutely perfect. I had perfect hair, and a perfect family, straight A student, endowed with a family legacy of prosperity and a glorious future.

Actually… I looked malnourished, dressed in horrific style, and made bad grades. My dirt poor family was falling apart due to drugs and alcohol, and no hairstyle of mine could ever take hold. I wore thick framed, ugly, tan colored plastic glasses that didn’t fit my face. In the early eighties, glasses were designed with the influence of the look of playdough and photo-grey lenses were in style and very useful for immediately stumbling in the darkness of sunglasses when you came in from outside. The middle school had many external annexed buildings, so that was very useful.

My mom usually cut my hair in straight lines, but even when I had it styled by a hairdresser once, it didn’t work. There was usually one side that just grew outward and flipped up. I erased and re-drew a comical self portrait of my picture in every yearbook I could get my hands on. I often wore a baseball cap everywhere – except school since it wasn’t allowed. I don’t know why. Maybe we could’ve smuggled food or unauthorized snacks on to the premises, competing with the corporate owned vending machines full of candy, cokes, and chips as an alternative to a healthy school lunch. If I had any allowance money, I had two Twix chocolate wafers for lunch. I saved the Corn Nuts for an afternoon snack, and the grape Bubblicious to later kill the putrid salty corn breath. Some days, I walked home for lunch. My home was just barely a block away.

It was a rent house. Red brick with a side carport that was my own private bicycle workshop. The master bedroom, on the other side of the house, was obviously an enclosed and remodeled garage. It upgraded the tiny house to three bedrooms. The landlord was an old woman with severe mental problems. She once held us at gunpoint at three in the morning, exclaiming we were in her house. Technically, she was correct. She had forgotten that it was rented out and that she didn’t live there anymore. She was removed by the local Sheriff and luckily somehow no one was hurt. She was never heard from again.

Part of my coolness appeal was my custom jeans. I had mentioned, or complained, to my mother that my legs were too skinny and I wished my pants fit more snug. Since I was only allowed new jeans at the beginning of the school year, I was stuck wearing the pants my mom decided to redesign for me. I’m not sure what she thought she was doing, but my thighs remained loose fitting while my calves were skin tight. I also wore cowboy boots exclusively, so it was an interesting look that didn’t seem to create a trend with the other kids at all.

That year I also had a severely ingrown toenail. I was a very trusting kid, so I allowed a very nice boy in the gym class locker room to perform a healing ritual he’d learned from his grandpa. He first took a very large dip from my can of contraband chewing tobacco, worked up a big spit, and let it loose all over my big, red, swollen toe, as a deadener, he explained, then he thumped it as hard as he could. I fell to the floor in writhing pain as the fairly large crowd that had gathered to witness my misplaced trust first hand, laughed until they cried, then laughed some more. It really didn’t help my toe at all, I eventually realized.

I had surgery on that toe later, from an actual doctor. I had to navigate stairs and long distances throughout the school campus on crutches for ten weeks. At least it got me out of P.E., although I still had to pointlessly be there.

The worst pain I have ever endured was the four shots of deadener in the top of my big toe. I was literally crawling backwards up the wall as he saddled my leg to give me the shots. After that, the procedure didn’t hurt, but was horrible to witness. He basically took pointed needle nose pliers and jammed it under my toenail, then opened them up, popping the toenail completely off. Years later, I Iearned that he was supposed to cauterize the cuticle so the nail would not grow back. I guess he just plain forgot, because it grew back and I still have a very painful ingrown toenail, many years later.

One day, I woke up, got out of bed, put on my pants that I’d left on the floor, probably ate some cereal, and sleepily walked to school. During the first class, I felt an itch on my butt, like we all get from time to time, so I scratched it. Later, I felt another itch, then another. I found myself subtly digging my finger deeper to scratch my butt. It was becoming a more intense rectal itch and harder to conceal. My adolescent mind assumed I was having an itchy bunghole day and would just go home at lunchtime to really wipe my butt, maybe even rinse off a little. As lunch became closer, the itch seemed to be getting really agressive. I was having to clinch my anus to keep it from itching so much. Finally the lunch buzzer rang and I hurried home, walking and clinching the whole way. I bolted into the bathroom and loosened by belt buckle and dropped my pants and underwear in one motion, clinking to the floor. In the center of a tan shaded streak on my half soiled underwear sat a stunned three inch long cockroach, shiny and as black as the night. My feet jumped as I screamed in fear as it immediately scurried away, escaping forever. The horror on my face was slowly replaced by pure disgust as I realized that monster insect had been actively trying to enter my anus all morning, and I chose to mostly ignore it. To be clear, it was trying to crawl inside my butt. It almost did crawl into my butt. I had never in my life felt less proud and ashamed and disgusted.

From that day, I have and will forever vigorously shake out my clothes before putting anything on, and now you might too.