I have been diagnosed with shingles. An after affect from the chicken pox I had as a child. Shingles show up later in life just to remind us that life still sucks. I’ve also suffered from nasty cold sores my whole life. Strangly, it’s the same prescribed medication, Acyclovir.

Most shingles symptoms are a burning rash across the chest and arms. My symptoms are more rare, only a few pimply, itchy, red bumps at my beltline, and nearly debilitating muscle weakness and deep aching nerve pain. I find myself in tears as I power through my laborious workday.

I can feel outbreaks coming on, so I start the medication to minimize the full effect of the virus. Up until now, it’s worked just fine.

Suddenly, I fully sympathize with Parkinson’s sufferers. My brand new incredible side effects were uncontrollable twitching and stuttering for almost three solid days.

Of course I researched online before going to an expensive doctor. It was terrifying not knowing what was wrong with me and how bad it was. I fully expected the worse. Even death.

The reality that I might stay that way was not only horrific, but also thought provoking. Everything would change. Playing music, working, driving, walking, preparing meals, eating, writing, hugging, Everything.

Luckily, I have already reconciled with my death for the most part. I may even welcome it, after all, I’m exhausted.

Years ago I was so ashamed and tired of providing very little for myself and my family, I contemplated the thought of death and all the ways I could die. By my own hand, or in an accident, or incident, or by the failing health of my vital organs due to how I’ve mistreated my body forever.

I started writing to curb those annoying thoughts, or maybe to leave some possible clues to my death.
Then I started recording my music again (after a ten year hiatus) to leave at least something in this world.
Then I gave up alcohol (it took a few tries) and then eventually I started feeling better about living.

I do hope to leave my kids with a better understanding of who I am, so they can better understand themselves, and all their weirdness, someday. Hopefully, my legacy of music can leave them some royalty cash as well, but so far, nuthin’.

The illness scare made me realize that mentally, I’m doing better than ever before. Sobriety will always be a battle, but having clarity has allowed me to leave something behind, even if I died right now, and I’m okay with that.

I don’t think I would be okay with living with a debiltating disease, but that would be another story. I’m grateful that I don’t have to, for now at least.

Of course, I still haven’t gone to the doctor. I’m waiting for my inclusive yearly checkup to bring up all the issues I have. Sort of a self bundled package deal.

Who’s got money to throw around for just a few tremors and severe headaches? It’s not that bad if there’s no blood. And even then, that’s what the ER is for.