Once, a long time ago, in 1985, A friend exuberantly pointed and laughed rambunctiously at my wiener as my friends and I all were peeing on the side of the road in the freezing cold. I have a completely average, normal, functional manhood, a grower, not a show-er, but it was about twelve degrees, so physically, there was some extra shrinkage. Before that day, it honestly had never occurred to me that my wiener could be so absolutely hilarious to a grown man who was looking at my wiener. It bothers me to this day for so many reasons. One, why was he looking at my wiener? Two, it was freezing cold, what did he expect? Three, from that day, I have been overly self conscious about my wiener. Before the internet, it was much more difficult to get information about weiners. It was more spread by hearsay. Four, it was widely known that he was endowed like a wilder-beast, therefore he had no need to be interested in any other wiener. If you’re hung like a mule, you should be happy and not ever bother anyone about anything ever. And five, what a dick! Pun intended. Have some self control. He could’ve just snickered a little and pretended he had a snot drip or something.

And six, now everyone knows the story of my frozen wiener.