She was unseemly and alluring. Unattractive and the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. We were filled with deep words but nothing meaningful was ever said.

I lacked the means to articulate my thoughts with her. I was attracted lustfully to blonde hair, giggles. and big jiggles. Or petite and slightly stupid, brown hair with perky wiggles. Either way she was neither of them. We connected subconsciously . Never touched lips, or even chanced closeness. We were friends that were contently confused. I was twenty two, she was seventeen. I was terrified of our ages. The legalities and consequences. I knew always that she was so high over me, I constantly wondered why she spent a moment with me at all. But, I knew it was because she was too young to know yet. Which made me feel like a creep, exploiting her for my own comfort. And I knew that despite her age and adolescence, she knew anyway. Because she was also brilliant.

We met at a job in an ice cream shop. She was sixteen and already trusted to audit the cash registers, a job usually reserved for management. So right away I knew she was smart.  The other girls, the same age, were more concerned with themselves, and really non-important things, and generally often without a single thought.

I remember a pressurized whipped cream battle that occurred one evening, where there were no concerns at all. I was just an average boy spraying whipped cream on four pretty young girls. At one point, I was hiding in the walk-in freezer with a very bountiful pre-woman, having a private whipped cream battle. It was wonderful. Chell was more tactful and planning. We had our spray war as well, but it just wasn’t as memorable as the blonde in the walk-in.

I’d never been around a smart girl. Ever. I didn’t even know  if I was smart. She had good raisers. I saw a framed photograph of a beautiful blonde girl on an accent table in the foyer of her parents house. She said it was her older sister who was away, modeling in Paris. I instantly knew, I would not fit there on that tabletop. But I purged and advanced. She loudly told her mother who was behind the walls of the moderate house, “I’m going out, I’ll be back later.” Her mother answered something benign and we drove away. I thought, what trust they have in her.

Her best memory of me, I assume, is a car ride in the foothills. I pull from what I perceive as her perspective.

Like James Dean in a Dairy Queen. He’s elusive and cool. He drives a unique sports car and knows all the best scenes. He treats her like a lady when her hair gets sucked out of the rattling, unsecured, passenger door window, like a gentleman would. He doesn’t talk much. He’s mysterious and intriguing.

And here’s my perspective.

I’m wearing my nicest, dirty pants. I got a shit job with no prospects at all. I love cars and this was the cheapest and coolest car I could get. Just happens to be a fixer upper Porsche knock off. I know scenic drives because I drive around alone a lot. I’m acting like a gentleman because you deserve more than I could ever give you. I don’t talk because I don’t know anything at all. No mystery, I’m an idiot.

To this day, I don’t know her. I never knew her. I spent hours with her and never got to know anything. We were just “with” each other and that was enough. I never pined for her, or tried to look her up. I am absolutely more in love with the time we had than I could have ever had in actual love.

Like a film of white dust on a lake. It was never anything attainable, but it was real and it was there. It glimmered in the sunset and faded into time. It’s now a cherished memory, undaunted and unspoiled. We were never touched by reality. As it should be.

Fred the pig is famous. Fred the pig was a genius.

This the true story of Fred the pig

Fred was purchased by the Father of Sid the farmer. Sid the farmer’s Father was also a farmer. He probably knew more about farming than Sid.  Mostly because Sid was only nine and a half years old and had not actually studied farming. Sid the farmer’s Father didn’t know much about farming either and wasn’t very good at farming.  Sid the farmers Father was studying farming as he farmed. Sid the farmer also had an older brother. His name was Sam the farmer.

Fred was going to be like every other farm pig. He would be raised for showing at the county fair and eventually sold and processed for food for people to eat. That’s where bacon and pork rinds come from. Most people prefer not to talk about it. I’ll stop talking about it too.

Sid the farmer and Sam the farmer had raised pigs before. One each. Their names were Skoal the pig and Copenhagen the pig. Sid the farmer and Sam the farmer learned a lot about what to do, and what not to do, with raising pigs, but that’s another story. The point is that they were slightly experienced with raising pigs.

Sid the farmer and his farmer family moved to a new little town. Sid the farmer’s Father decided that Sid the farmer and his older brother, Sam the farmer would raise pigs in the new little town as well. Sid the farmer got three pigs to raise. Sam the farmer also got three pigs. A month later, Sam the farmer decided he did not want to be a farmer anymore and ran away from the new little town. He ran so far that no one could find him for a long time. Long enough that all six of the new pigs in the new little town were completely raised by Sid the farmer. Sam is no longer a farmer is now out of this story.

The new little town elementary school was very close to where Sid the farmer lived. One sunny day, Sid the farmer was studying in a classroom at his new little town elementary school.  He was sitting next to a classroom window that was next to a large playground. The school was in the country outside of the new little town, so there was plenty of land for playgrounds. The Principle of the new little town school announced over the intercom, “Will Sid the farmer please get his pigs off of the large school playground. They are rooting up the swing-sets and see-saws”. Sid the farmer looked out the window and saw all of his pigs in the large school yard. He left the classroom and went out to the large playground. He gathered and herded all the pigs through the brush behind the school and cut through the neighbors back yard to get them back to their pen. The neighbors house was abandoned and haunted so he was especially careful not to disturb the ghost.  The ghost was a mean old lady that peered out of the highest window in the haunted house and would later complain about the smell of the pigs. Who knew ghosts could even smell things anyway? Sid the farmer shut off the electric fence around the pigs pen and lifted the fence high enough for the pigs to get back through. Sid the farmer did not know how they got out of the pen. It was a mystery.

A few weeks had passed and life went on as usual. Then one day at school, a voice came over the speaker again. “Will Sid the farmer please keep his pigs out of the large playground”. Sid the farmer looked out the window and saw them again. Sid the farmer left the classroom, gathered the pigs and herded them back home again. Sid the farmer still did not know how they got out.

Another week had passed and Sid the farmer heard the voice at school a third time. This time the voice said,” Sid the farmer, this is your last warning. Get your pigs off of the large playground!” Sid the farmer left class and got the pigs back home. It was still a mystery how the pigs were escaping the pen with the electric fence. There were no signs of escape. Nothing was out of place.

One weekend. Sid the farmer went out to feed and water the pigs like he did every morning. Sid the farmer did this even on mornings he didn’t have school, because pigs don’t know the days of the week, they don’t know what school even is, and they are still hungry on weekends. This school morning he was a little later than usual. Normally, the pigs were tended to before school started. Sid the farmer filled the water trough. Fred the pig grunted happily and blew bubbles in the water trough through his snout like he always did. Sid the farmer thought about the water trough. He noticed the trough had been moved and recalled that every day, as the water trough became less heavy from all the pigs drinking, Fred the pig had been pushing the trough closer to the electric fence. This particular morning, as Fred the pig seemed to enjoy blowing his bubbles a little more than usual, he gently leaned his rear end to the side and touched Sid the farmer’s leg. With his snout dripping with water, he touched his long, wrinkly nose to the electric fence and waited for the pulse. The water on his snout helped the timed pulse of electricity travel through Fred the pig’s snout all the way through his to rear end into Sid the farmer’s leg. Sid the farmer jumped and yelled in surprise and pain as the electricity violently shocked him. That morning, Sid the farmer learned that Fred the pig understood how electricity travels through conductive water, and how electric fences pulsate electricity by sending it down every few seconds.

Sid the farmer decided he should probably spend more time with the pigs. He was hoping to witness an attempt to break out of the pen. One afternoon, Sid the farmer was doing his math homework in the pen with all the pigs. He asked Fred the pig some math questions and Fred the pig grunted the exact number of grunts that were the correct answers. Sid the farmer realized his pig was smart enough to help with his math homework.

On the next weekend, the mystery of how the pigs multiple escapes was finally revealed. Fred the pig seemed to be comfortable enough with Sid the farmer to relax his privacy. Fred the pig grunted at the other pigs while he blew bubbles, wetting his snout in the trough. He appeared to give an order. Soon they formed a somewhat single file line facing the electric fence. Fred proceeded to the front as they all forcefully squished together in a line. Suddenly, they ran in unison, powering through a small opening in the electric fence. All six pigs made it through but only the last one squealed. As long as they were all touching, only the last one felt the shock of pulsing electricity from the fence.

Fred the pig was a genius.

The Fair

The county fair was coming up in the new town. Sid the farmer couldn’t show all six pigs, so he had to choose only two. Fred the Pig, of course, and Rob the hog. The other four were sold immediately for food processing. Rob the hog had only an average pig intelligence, which still may be smarter than some humans. Sid the farmer overheard his farmer Father say that Fred the pig was going to be processed with all the other pigs after the county fair. It was a sad day, but they knew this day could come. It’s just the rules, and they’re complicated.

Getting ready for the fair. Sid the farmer’s Father built a temporary pen right next to the haunted house next door. The ghost neighbor yelled rudely down from the third story attic window, “Y’all move them pigs! They stink!” Since Sid the farmer was still only a kid, he didn’t know how to move the pigs, so they just stayed there and stunk. The ghost must have finally had a reason to leave and traveled into the spirit world as she was not heard from again. Good for her. Mean old lady ghost.

At the fair, Fred the pig and Rob the hog were put into short wood fence pens in a gigantic barn full of short wood fence pens. All the short wood fence pens were full of pigs. The short wood fence pens were twice as tall as the tallest pig. No pig had ever escaped from the twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pens, until Fred the pig.

Fred the pig was probably just genius enough to understand that most of the pigs were going to become food for people after the fair. At first it was only Fred the pig that would escape the twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pen, but soon Rob the hog would escape too. Then it seemed every time Fred the pig  and Rob the hog escaped, more pigs would escape just like they did. It was clear to Sid the farmer that Fred the pig had organized a revolution. It was the twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pen revolution. At one point, all the pigs had escaped at the same time and were running wildly around the gigantic barn. The main barn doors were closed,so there was still no way out.

Fred the pig was now famous.

Since it was Fred the pig that started it all, Sid the farmer’s Father felt responsible and supplied big flat grey metal grate roofs for the twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pens. After all the pigs owners ran around chasing and catching their escaped pigs, the  big flat grey metal grate roofs kept every pig contained inside their twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pens from then on. The revolution was officially over and almost all of the pigs continued to their fate, just like Fred the pig thought they would.

Sid the farmer, Fred the pig, and all the other pigs in the gigantic barn, all learned that humans have the ability to overcome problems better than animals simply because people have thumbs and lift big flat grey metal grate roofs onto twice as tall as the tallest pig short wood fence pens. And also People can drive around and stuff. Pigs can’t do that…yet.

Fred the pig had an amazing, eventful life. Fred the pig was loved by Sid the farmer, which is more than most farm animals ever get in life. Sid the farmer will never forget Fred the pig, and now, possibly, neither will you.

The End

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