Don Jon T.

Don Jon T.
Bosephus Squid 8/13/2018

Don Jon T. was a mighty man
A mighty man was he
Had the strength of a thousand men
If they were asleep

Don Jon T. had a good good brain
He said we should believe
Then he sat upon the pot
And tweeted Covfefe
(Chorus)

Don Jon T. An all American
Don Jon T. Red, White, Blue, Orange and tan
Don Jon T. Some called him a Cheetoh
Don Jon T. Hillary could not beat-o

Don Jon T. was a business man
Mostly gathered rent
His Father gave a small loan
So he would not throw a fit
Don Jon T. was an honest man
Except for all the lies
He blamed it on the media
Fake politicized
(Chorus)

Don Jon T. Made America Great Again
Don Jon T. Really really loved to win
Don Jon T. A big fat lying Cheetoh
Don Jon T. Hillary should’ve beat-o

Now, Don Jon T. had a run in
With a few naked women
His lawyer promptly paid them off
To keep him out of prison

T’was a little rumor
Of Russian collusion
T’was either dirt on Hillary
Or prostitutes and urine
(Chorus)
Don Jon T. Tiny handed fuhror
Don Jon T. looked like Hitler in the mirror
Don Jon T. Some people seemed to love him
Don Jon T. Mostly Republican

Don Jon T. Pardoned criminals that he liked
Don Jon T. Did most things out of spite
Don Jon T. Was tough, not a wussy
Don Jon T. Grabbed ladies by the pussy

Don Jon T. An all American
Don Jon T. Red, White, Blue, and Orange and tan
Don Jon T. He said he was a hero
Don Jon T. but mostly was a Cheetoh

Lee’s Eulogy

I went to Denny’s this morning. There was a table with a bunch of old men telling stories.

Old men at Denny’s restaurant in Lubbock.

It’s sad that Lee will never get to do that. I was looking forward to doing that with him, just being old.

He kind of always was an old man. He got mad at kids. And he pretty much knew everything. Even when we were young, we made fun of him for driving so slow and careful in his grandpa truck.

We had a great friendship. Too many stories to tell, and I remember more every day. I’ve been writing down things from my life for about 8 years now. Lee had his own folder from the start.

While I was writing this at Denny’s, the table was wobbly and my coffee spilled. I was thinking Lee would have something to say about that. “I’d like to meet the engineer that made these table legs!”

There were times we made each other laugh so hard, we were literally kicking and screaming. We never had a fight. If we ever were annoyed with each other, we just let it go somehow. That’s saying a lot, considering we lived in a truck, 4 x 8 sleeper for months at a time.

I don’t know why I never got annoyed, but from the day we met, I just accepted him the way he was. I’m pretty sure he did the same with me. I think that’s a rare thing.

He kept his sense of humor til the end. I’m so glad I got to hang out. I’m glad it happened quick with little suffering. I already miss him, but I still hear him. I’ll always hear him.

Lee and Me

 

Big Tobacco Cultural Propaganda Conspiracy Schwag

When I think of my tobacco use, it boggles my mind how it was ever even legal at all. Even more mind boggling is how young I was when I was allowed to buy it, use it, and continue using it until I could potentially be dead from it. And for many people, that shit is still going on.

For me, it started when I was about eight years old, if we don’t count the prior years of second hand smoke since before I was even born. I’m sure I was coerced to use it by my older brother, so I wouldn’t tell on him. He made me pretend to smoke weed once for the same reason. Even we knew, as dumb little children, there was something inherently wrong with tobacco. Although our parents, the people in charge of our health and well being, didn’t seem to be too concerned.

They both were heavy smokers. Dad probably killed off three packs a day. Mom probably just murdered one a day, but much more on the mandatory for all, drinking infused, furious fighting weekends. Dad eventually died from alcohol abuse at sixty, but those Pall Mall cigarettes had him buckled over in nightly, violent, coughing fits for at least fifteen years.

As kids, we were involved in the cowboy life. I was so sure I was a real cowboy, I wrote a letter to Willie Nelson proudly proclaiming it. I didn’t just choose to write Willie out of the blue. There are much bigger cowboy types to brag to, but there was a history between my parents and Willie that go back to the sixties, alcohol infused, living room puke parties, and probably some intoxicated donkey riding adventures that no one should ever talk about. My dad was a radio advertising salesman, and my mom stayed home, but sometimes, she had a job. She politically ran for county clerk, and she lost. She did secretary work for a lawyer, so she became a legal expert on everything, and she once was a substitute art teacher for a Catholic school. She would often come home in tears from the torment of those fine, knife throwing, Christian students.
So even though we were not a family of ranchers or wranglers, we were somehow still cowboys. In our defense though, we did have a horse named Lady, and eventually we raised a couple of pigs, (appropriately named, Skoal and Copenhagen) and some chickens, and there was a huge garden, and we even slaughtered a steer, once. And my dad shot stuff and killed stuff like snakes and porcupines, and my pig.

So we were cowboys mostly because we wore the hats and boots. Maybe the most ironic part of that is that we were living right next to the Navajo reservation. My brother and I shared the twenty mile school bus ride to a public school with ninety-eight percent Native Americans. It wasn’t until just a few years ago I realized, why, I got beat up and picked on so regularly. It might have been that I was wearing the cowboy costume in a daily game of cowboys and Indians, where I was vastly outnumbered by the Indians.

Another amazing part of tobacco culture was the promotional products and pop-culture marketing. Not only were we bad asses, but we could show ourselves off with spittoons, belt-buckles, and custom chrome snuff can lids. We were the shit. There was nuthin’ more cool than a dirty, white, Chevy pickup, with a rope hanging in the back window, and a dirty Copenhagen spittoon on the dashboard.

One year, Santa Claus brought me and my brother Skoal (Green) and Copenhagen (Black and Brown) branded logo, bottom weighted, no-spill, flanged top, plastic molded, portable, spittoons for Christmas. And sometimes on birthday’s, custom, rodeo style, shiny metal, tobacco can lids. Sometimes with a paisley stamped, metal bottom part. Fancy shmancy!

Rodeo’s are so much fun. Unless you never think about the widely promoted addictive substances and apparent animal cruelty, which we never did. There was also the fair, and animal auction, which is the currency farms, ranches, FFA ,and 4-H clubs strive upon. Nothing wrong with that, until we decide there’s something wrong with that. Most of us do eat animals, someone has to farm them, it’s good business, it’s not like we’re poisoning weeds like a mafia or anything.

My mom discovered I was using the Skoal when she washed my pants, and the cardboard, wax lined can of chopped up, wintergreen flavored tobacco leaves contaminated the wash.

Skoal was always a gateway snuff to the Copenhagen. To this day, I don’t know what flavor that is. But it’s intriguing.

 

So we were conditioned, like our parents in the sixties and seventies, to think tobacco use was not harmful in any way. The social normality was to use nicotine every moment of every day.

Personally, both of my grandfathers died of emphysema, I currently have a friend with stage four lung cancer, I struggled like hell to quit smoking after twenty-two years, when I swore I would never smoke when I was younger. I dipped snuff and chewed tobacco from the age of seven, which I’m convinced made my addiction stronger.

I feel like, as Americans, in the greatest country the world has ever endowed, we should’ve always been above the kind of business model that knowingly causes illness for profit. Why aren’t we?

The whole point of freedom should be a higher quality of life. The security of health and wellness. We allowed a corporate entity to create a culture based on a style that was, and still is devastating to our health.

That is truly mind boggling.

The Judge and the Victim and the Justice and America!

If you don’t know, there is a brand new United States Supreme Court justice! Brett Kavanaugh will be a judge for the rest of his life. He was accused of a sexual assault that happened in the 1980’s, by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. He adamantly, fiercely denied it. There was an extremely publicized confirmation hearing where it basically came down to his word against hers.

Somehow, it became highly political. Both parties became enraged and accusatory. Both parties helped to continue the division our nation. Both parties handled this situation horribly.

The final conclusion, one could assume, is that the accused have to be proven guilty. Accusations have to be traceable and confirmed. This is the basis on which Justice Kavanaugh was confirmed to the highest court of the United States of America.

The part that disturbs me the most, is the attitudes. This seemingly new polarized political landscape has made me struggle with understanding everyone, on all sides. President Donald J. Trump seems to incite negative and disturbing public behavior. I see websites and Facebook memes that make me question the moral decency of some of my closest friends and family. I honestly can’t believe some of the things I have heard, read, and seen widely distributed by people I know and care about. Advocating running over protesters and calling for a civil war, just to name a few. I now question the intelligence of everyone with a bumper sticker or snide comment. -I’m not proud of that. It’s upsetting to realize this has all been just under the surface of our great country for years. Festering and waiting for it’s chance to burst out into the mainstream.

We are told to blame the Russians, or the Liberals, or the right wing extremists. We are told that the other side is blatantly against us and there are conspiracies in play, (as Judge Kavanaugh openly stated without offering any proof, somewhat ironically). We are told that a different opinion is just stupid or overly sensitive. We’re told to pick a side and fight for your freedom or it will be taken away. We’re told that our constitution is unwavering and amendments can’t be amended, even with the reality of toddlers and children being gunned down-murdered at school. We are told to stand up and recite the chants and believe and trust in our ONE almighty God or you are an unpatriotic heathen. Oddly enough, the roots of our unique American freedoms are based on the exact opposite of all of that.

We are NOT told to believe in each other.
We are NOT told to trust each other
We are NOT told to listen to each other.
We are NOT told to respect each other.
-Something’s wrong here.

As a victim of sexual abuse as a child, I am highly discouraged that Dr. Ford’s accusation was not considered valid. The President mocked her for not accurately remembering all the details. Anyone that has been a victim of abuse knows that we don’t catalog our memories, but we do remember our abusers. I have documented the multiple accounts in which I was abused and not one of those accounts has the same accuracy within the timeline. I simply do not remember, and it bothers me a great deal. Sometimes, I’m not even sure of my age when they happened. It makes it very difficult to write about it. Frustrating and distracting.

I also have known for a while that it would be futile to accuse the person who molested me, because I have no proof. I know my word will not stand up against theirs. I have considered a suit against them, mostly because I fear I’m not their only victim, but since that person is not in any position to influence the lives of millions of people with the stroke of a gavel, I will not pursue them. If they WERE nominated for a position of extreme power, I would feel absolutely obligated to challenge their character. I would assume ALL of my friends and family would feel the same way.

There are psychological explanations for why victims don’t remember details. No psychological knowledge was aptly considered in these hearings. In fact, it was overlooked and mocked. It truly is shameful.

As a parent, I worry about my children’s future. I worry that our current culture of hate and blame will permanently damage the foundation of our country’s liberty and justice.

We, as a country, should be better than this. We Are better than this! Our founders envisioned a better way of life. Why is it such a battle? It could be so easy if only people could focus on the things that are really important. Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And not one of those things are defined as MY life, MY liberty, and MY happiness. Greed is not life. a lack of compassion and justice is not liberty, and wealth is not happiness.

Let’s stop spreading this virus of hatred.

It’s time to be kind. 

 

Patriotically signed,
Sidney V. Stephens

Area Code Tattoo

Occasionally, I’ll see a dude with a tattoo on his neck with three numbers. The first time I saw it was in San Antonio, it’s 210. That’s the telephone area code. I later saw it in California, and then in Tennessee. Then I heard it referenced in rap songs. I thought to myself, that seems a little stupid, to do that.  This was before cel phones were even popularized.

Currently, an area code  still represents an area, but it’s possible to get a phone nowdays, with an entirely different area code than where you live. I wonder how many gangsters are disappointed with their phone service company? They’re like, “Naw naw, Yo, I need the number thaz on my face, bitch”. And then Sprint, or Verizon, would reply, “Well maybe, you should have tattooed your Zip Code on your face instead. That shit ain’t never gonna’ change. There’s even an extra set of numbers that you can draw on your head that can provide an even  more detailed guide to specify your exact neighborhood!” And the gangster would reply, “Yeah, shit! I wish I would have thought of that shit”.

Loving Wife and Mother

When my wife wakes up my 9 year old son in the middle of our bed. She uses the voice of a tiny mouse fairy. “Hey lil’ guy…time to wake up….can I get a good morning hug?” He usually squirms around a bit and slowly opens his eyes and gives her a sleepy warm embrace.
If I’m still in bed after a few minutes, trying to sneak in a few more moments of rest, the clunking and clattering of the movement in the house seems to get louder and louder. Then, I hear this same woman, who just minutes ago, had the voice of an angel stirring my precious child to conscienceness, use the voice of a stern, annoyed, and disgruntled 1970’s newscaster, who just overdosed on coffee and cigarettes, to motivate me to start my day. “It’s almost Nine,…… are you working today?”
As if to suggest I only work when I damn well feel like it. As if I am a worthless and lazy bed squatter. Also as if she has never slept late, or woke up groggy and tired, in her entire life.

Where is my little mouse fairy, rubbing my back softly and caringly to wake me up? What happened to her to make her treat me like an unmotivated, smelly, grossly overweight, punk kid at summer camp with dishwashing  duty? Would waking me up with sarcasm and dissapointment inspire me to approach the day with a successful outlook?

So, I get up, get some coffee, watch the news, and wait for them to leave, …..so I can go back to bed.

Marshall Crenshaw, Rusty Wier, Jerry Jeff Walker, and Me

Probably the most exciting and adventurous thing I’ve done in life was to become a songwriter. I was back from Graphic Design School and unsuccessfully looking for work. I never felt very excited about being a page layout artist, which is what graphic design mostly entailed. I was following through on an idea someone else had for me to be a graphic artist. I also had no better ideas and felt I needed to do something…..anything before I was too much of a loser to ever move out of my Mom’s garage. While I was in school, I bought a twelve string guitar and taught myself to play. I’ve been interested in playing music since before I was born. I was making beats in the womb. Somehow, I never considered it as a career option and it was never presented as such.

1991, I went to see a music show in a little club called “Luna” in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Marshall Crenshaw was one of three, slightly obscure, songwriters doing the show. He was the only one I’d ever heard of. I had two of his cassettes that had no hit songs. I don’t know why I even knew who he was. Eventually he had a Hugely popular song called “Someday, Someway” and also appeared as Buddy Holly in “La Bamba”, the movie. During the “In their own words tour”, I was incredibly, amazingly, overly inspired. I was so excited that I felt that I must share my epiphany with Marshall Crenshaw! I was so shaken up by the idea of just making a living writing songs, that I was vibrating and profusely sweating as I informed the inspirational and highly accessible music artist all about it. Like I was the first person to ever figure that out. Except, of course for Marshall Crenshaw, who obviously previously figured that out. He actually was concerned about my nervousness and said in his cool voice,” Hey man, you all right? You gonna be okay?” It was then that I realized I was over zealous and was really freaking out Marshall Crenshaw. I strictfully informed him that I would move to Austin, Texas and become a songwriter like him. He calmly reassured me that Austin was a good town for music. So I moved to Austin very, very soon.

I started out dominating open mics all over town. I became a regular at the Saxon Pub on Thursday evenings . Owen Murrell was the host and introduced me in a serious and booming voice with pauses between my first…middle…..and last names. He introduced everyone that way. After the mostly mediocre open mic performers, Rusty Wier would headline the late show. He was a blast. He was a great performer and drank a lot of tequila shots. The bartenders loved the money he brought in with the crowd. I was broke, so I never left the bar after the open mic, so my girlfriend and I never paid a cover charge. For some reason, Rusty took a liking to me. Probably because I wore a signature hat like he did, and I reminded him of a younger, less talented himself. He often would insert my name into the song he was singing as I made my way through the crowded room. It was a great feeling. Rusty had written a song that was included on the “Urban Cowboy” soundtrack. “Don’t it make you wanna dance” sung by Bonnie Raitt. He was friends with another local songwriter, Jerry Jeff Walker who wrote the hit song, “Mr. Bojangles”, made famous by Sammy Davis Jr. Mr. Jerry Jeff Walker happened to be hanging out one afternoon following the open mic. I was also very much there. Owen Murrell was talking to Jerry Jeff when I interrupted and thanked Jerry Jeff for sending me advice on music. I actually had sent him a tape before I moved to Austin and I thought he sent it back with the kind advice to read a book called,”This business of music”. He enthusiastically told me that it was just the standard thing his wife, Susan, does with unsolicited tapes and he had nothing to do with it. I politely asked him to thank his wife for me then. He just grumbled at me. I was obviously bothering him but I loved his music so I really didn’t notice his despite for me. I honestly knew two of his albums by heart. Owen asked him if he wanted to play a few songs and he thought out loud and muttered, “I’m not sure what to play”. I immediately interjected with many, many random Jerry Jeff Walker song titles -like I was asked to help him out. About ten minutes later, I noticed Jerry Jeff standing alone, listening to Slaid Cleaves playing on the stage. He was the talented open mic headliner. I thought to myself, this would be a great chance to have a real moment with Jerry Jeff. I stood next to him and confidently told him to remember my name, Sidney…. Vance…..Stephens, because I was going to make it someday and he should remember my name, Sidney. …Vance….Stephens. I could feel the shiver of bone chilling blood, running down his spine. He didn’t even look at me. He couldn’t.

I’m highly ashamed of that moment, but he kind of had it coming. He could’ve been a little nicer to me. I only admit to this horrible behavior because I wonder if it became relevant many years later.

I moved to Nashville for many years but eventually returned to Austin. I saw Rusty Wier again, but so much time, and tequila, had passed that he did not remember me. I was a little hurt but I understood. If you don’t stay active in the music world, you’re forgotten easily.

A few more years passed by and I sadly heard that Rusty was not doing so well. He had pancreatic cancer. He made an appearance at a local bar where he was showered with an abundance of love. He was crippled and very weak as everyone surrounded him as he made his way through the crowd. I spoke to him and told him how good it made me feel when he sang my name all those years ago at the Saxon Pub. He didn’t remember me at all, but was smiling. That’s the last time the public saw Rusty.

He passed away a few weeks later with his good friend Jerry Jeff Walker by his bedside.

And if this story is relative, I’d like to think that maybe, just maybe, the moment before Rusty Wier took his last breath, he suddenly looked up and remembered me, and said my name aloud, and Jerry Jeff Walker turned his head in confusion and heard a distant booming voice…..

SIDNEY……….

VANCE……….

STEPHENS!!

And Jerry Jeff would have remembered my name.