Music was going to be my entire life. But my life would have been very different if I had become successful like I wanted. It wouldn’t have mattered whom I married. By now, some other jerk would be raising my kids and enjoying my ex-wife more than I ever did. I’d probably want to talk to them at four in the morning, calling from a Waffle House in some boring, obscure, little piss-ant town in the mid-west. I’d send lots of money and complain about it constantly to some dumb girl with a wondrous rack I’d call my muse. Basically, I’d still be bitter and resentful, but for completely different reasons.
And I might have been actual proof of destiny. It doesn’t matter how hard I tried to get what I wanted. I got what I got. I tried to make connections, played as often as I could, and put myself in more than one music city to get my own sound out there. But there were so many problems. Working day jobs and staying dirt poor. Being responsible for paying my rent and staying ahead of my bills. I was incredibly lousy at being a flaky musician. I also had a self-forced confidence at times that probably came out negatively on occasion. Or it may have been actual confidence. I’m not sure. Also, at times, I was misunderstood. When I first started playing, I was often more surprised than anyone when I was on stage doing my thing. Once I replied to someone who said, “Your pretty good” with, “I know!” I wasn’t being egotistical, it just came out that way. I should have humbly said, “Thanks, man!” Another problem is that I’m not quite as talented as I thought I was, but I did have a small following for a very short time, so I couldn’t have been too bad. And I like my music and that’s all that really matters.
The greatest thing about playing music is that all the bullshit just goes away when your really enjoying it. But It’s amazing how hard enjoying it becomes when it gets serious and turns into business. It’s hard to stay true to yourself. It gets difficult to trust yourself or your feelings anymore. I believe that’s where people get messed up when they get famous. It’s not the riches, it’s the core of existence question. Who deserves? Who earns? Who takes? What really matters? Maybe, nothing matters, maybe everything matters. Maybe we’re all just bored.
A great thing about writing your own songs is that you can write and play the exact kind of music YOU would like to hear and no-one can take that away from you. Good or bad music, it’s all yours.