My wife called me while I was working outside in the light rain on a job site. I put down my equipment and shut off the ridiculously loud engine as I answered before it went to voicemail. I could instantly tell that she was annoyed but I didn’t know why. The phone was cutting out as we tried to decipher what we were saying, and like most of our greetings we just yell “Hello” and “What? Can you hear me?” until the link is established. I had texted a work related question a few minutes before, but really wasn’t expecting a response knowing that I was out of cel tower range. She had replied to my text, but I didn’t know that.

But my phone, in my pocket, replied back to her and continued the conversation completely on its own. Most likely from the moisture on my shorts pocket touching the phone screen while I was moving around. Not only did it continue the conversation, it did it with an attitude.

It answered her with predictive text, “uh, ok”, which is something I would never say, much less, put in a written message. Even though I sometimes get complacent and skip being totally and completely polite to my spouse, this was a professional work conversation and I always do my best to keep it civil, clear, and concise. I’m actually surprised she thought it was me. She did become suspicious on the second auto fill text that stated a snarky “why?” Almost with a smirk and a sassy Texas drawl.

It was out of context, confusing and also unlike even my worst bad attitude, so she called to actually hear my words with my voice. She started the analog conversation with, “…..What the fuck?” I knew instantly that this was no robot calling.

After finally sorting out the text conversation through the frustrating broken cel tower signal, we were still somehow annoyed. A lingering after effect of an ignorant algorithmic presumptuous artificial intelligence. Like having sticky fingers after a crumbly honey covered biscuit.

And that got me thinking. Why does my phone think I talk like a dick-head? I don’t ever text words like these. I might say them as a joke, but I’d never put it in actual writing. 

That got me thinking more. How does this thing even work?

Since I don’t really know, I’ll guess.

I assume that predictive text is based on generalized common language spoken by mass amounts of average people. It sure as hell didn’t get that shit from me! The data may come from Facebook or Twitter or some form of crappy public conversation on social media since there’s totally no way they’re actually spying on our text conversations.

And that got me thinking even more. Does the average person really talk like that? Is the average person a dick-head? Are most people shitty, bitter, pissy conversationalists? And is that how we shape and define all of our information based on how people think and speak?

Are TV shows, YouTube videos, movies, books, and Presidents chosen the same way? Is that how we got Trump the toddler bully, Hillary the rhetorical teenager, Cruz the high school commencement speaker, Pelosi the six year old drama queen, McConnell the turtle faced republi-bot, Schumer the hyperbolic step dad, and Marjorie Taylor Greene the batshit crazy conspiracy tart? Sounds about right.

Maybe, it’s time for someone to look into this. A study to determine if people mimic what is perceived as popular culture. Does anyone know anyone at Cornell or Stanford? Are those places even real? Well, I’ve never seen them. I’m just sayin’.

We know that humans greatest talent is copying each other. That’s how we get popular phrases like, “That’s what she said!” and “Get er’ done” or my all time favorite, “Just fuck me and feed me beans”. There’s nothing wrong with mimicking each other. It’s how we have survived for so long. It helps us stay likable and socially connected so we don’t eat each others cooked brains in our own tribe.

But what happens if the “popular” sayings were being generated collectively by the worst humans ever?  What if we start to mimic the computerized interpretation of ourselves. Uh….what if we already are?

Would it be the decline of our own social survival? Would husbands and wives start to treat each other differently resulting in less love and compassion for each other? Would that mean that less babies would be made and the inevitability of the decline of human reproduction? The end of woman? The end of man?

I don’t know. Probably.

#trump2028